Going to bed naked. Too bad I am all alone. Need to make some changes. Either sleep with clothes or with you
I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
I saw him walking to campus with his beer in his hand in the same sweats he wore walking to campus with a beer in his hand yesterday.
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
Randomize
