Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
i got excepted to unl lol
You mean "accepted".
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
Randomize
