yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
Just got done reading an 11 page essay for class. Took me three fucking days and the only thing I have highlighted is the name "Alexander Cockburn"
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
This is the first time since last march I'm gonna be going to a class for more reasons than wanting to bone the girl sitting next to me.
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
I'd rather not be labeled as that girl who came over, drank a bunch of their alcohol, woke up the 5 year old, broke shit and left
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
Randomize
