This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
Reggie can tackle my bush.
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
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