so im watching realhousewives of jersey with my mom. she just said they werent really rich bc they were doing their own makeup.
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
ejected that DVD during the department meeting.. it was our porn from last night. I have a new nick-name at work.
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
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