Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
honestly if we didnt hate the same people we would have a friendship based on nothing
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
Randomize
