Seriously, stop being so datable w your movie/song prefs
wouldn't it be funny if when girls shaved their vaginas, they gave them sideburns?
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
Sitting in the library lobby in the middle of exam week. Drunk. Dressed as santas slutty helper. Waiting for the student shuttle service. People are clapping for me as they walk by. Tell me how this isnt college
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
I've just had two stress filled days in a row , I'm just going to shower and await your penis
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
Randomize
