He was dressed in cheap leather and smelled like death.
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
I wanna dance tonight. i just wanna grind my ass in some man's dick.
we're doing beer bongs from the windmill...epic
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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