please say your awake. the girl i brought home last night...any idea on a name? she isnt up yet...
Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
You know im sick of people that are still obsessed w obama. that was sooooo last year
I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
