What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
just found his boxers balled up inside my tights, hidden in my freezer. damn i love college.
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
Randomize
