I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
He was in me and said I can't believe this happened because of facebook. MOOD KILLER.
You know you had good weekend wheb we you hook up with three different girls and you don't feel no pain when u pee in the morning
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
We are back but we are listening to stairway to heaven in my car. Amy is air drums. Be back when it's over.
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
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