oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
The power of the half flaccid cock, and to think, I thought I was just playing accordion in front of her Vagina!
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
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