I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
So feel off my bed lastnight into the trashcan. On the plus side i thought under my bed was a cave and i went exsploring
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
I think i got beer on your cat.
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
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