The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
Currently coming up with judgment, the game. Works well on buses, will probably be more entertaining in bars.
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
I put him in the supply closet, used the copy paper to build a fort around him and his wheelchair, then he fucked me in the fort.
Randomize
