Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
there's just a random girl here singing about how much she loves fiber
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
should i go to class, or party with a mariachi band?
meriachi band is very tempting, do they have dos equis?
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
I know. His dick was small at the top and got bigger at the bottom, like a fucking curling wand.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
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