Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
i love accidental penises.
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
And thanks! There are perks to polyamory. And birthday orgies are one of them
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
Randomize
