is it bad that i kinda- ok, reallyyy don't remember having sex with him last night?
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
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