I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
I had a dream last night where you were a transsexual in a low cut blue dress with lovely long brown hair. You were very pretty. I hope you are well.
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
let me put it this way. im never saying "join in or get out" again unless i know whos in the room.
The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Randomize
