i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
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