Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
God gave him joint rollers for hands
Seriously, in what other class can the final major discussion be what bar you're going to with your prof?
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
Randomize
