EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
I seriously dont think i have ever ridden a horse sober.
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
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