just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
be proud. or at least amused. an 18 yr old and a 25 yr old at least makes my average hookup age this week the same as my age.
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
What the matter? A girl can't play some Super Mario without being accused of being high?
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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