she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
We just all danced like dinosaurs in the center of the dance floor.
I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
I just dont think you can meet a stranger after youve heard them cum through the walls though
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
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