There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
yours is so small it looks like an acorn!!
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
Dude she's famous. She's on an episode of campus pd. Can't not fuck her
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
Randomize
