Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
I met the nicest Tranny last night. He/She loves Cheetos.
You know you love balls. Don't act all "I-Don't-Love-Balls-ish"
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
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