Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
now that we've slept with the entire soccer team i think its time to expand the horizon.
When that rick ross song came on he started ripping up dollar bills and pouring out drinks on the floor. I'm all for ignorance but it was a little excessive for a wedding
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
Don't EVER mix a flaming shot, with a Jello shot.. As good as it sounds flaming Jello is not a good idea
Randomize
