never play flip cup with pint glasses
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
Randomize
