He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
Randomize
