i wish swine flu would become a total pandemic so we cld be rid of all the people that are complaining about it
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
Currently siting in the living room naked, staring at one of the girls across the street in her living room naked. This is like the most intense starting contest of all time.
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
When have we listened to the rational side of either of us?!
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
Randomize
