She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
We just shotgunned beers for America
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
Don't worry about it. Anal sex isn't always sunshine and wildflowers.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
Randomize
