Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
I'm the saddest girl in a tutu right now.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
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