I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
don't worry about it. We passed around the "get jeff bail" can 10 min. After you left. We currently have around $400. May I say that people here at the dorms really love you.
I just pulled a piece of cookie out of my bra in the middle of class. I'm forever alone.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
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