Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
Well my sources tell me she just happens to appear in an episode girls gone wild.
I know someone that will spend hours looking for her. He also has many of said movies. And I will do it for free!
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
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