dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
a girl in my class is on a twilight fan site and running her fingers on the screen as edwards body comes up.
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face.
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
When are your genitals available?
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
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