I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
we should go somewhere reaaaaaal shady
i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
Randomize
