I was high enough to understand and function with 'flip' while playing brick breaker
Damn. I don't think I could ever be that high.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
Going to the beach. Greeting Sandy with a blunt. Wish us luck!
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
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