So someone put the baby mannequins in sex positions
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
I might have hooked up with a 2003 alumni last night in the basement
Dude you were ten when he graduated
Wahoowaaaaaaa
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
Randomize
