guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Randomize
