people and things i regret. that's what i want to do tonight.
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
The yoga party turned into an underwear party because we are all incompetent when it comes to tying bed sheets.
This has been a Party Success Story
We watched scrubs, then I got a shower blowjob which led to shower sex and the living room floor sex. Now she's baking cookies. I may not be studying, but I'm doing something right.
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
You know Sunday Funday was a success when 'puke and rally' came at lunchtime on Monday.
Shriek
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Randomize
