is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
Just a heads up: The party is Fourth of July themed. Spread the word
dude its may
Work with me here, man.
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
Randomize
