On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
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