My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
honestly if there were pictures of last night i would be embarrassed.... im embarrassed without pictures
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
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