Latenightwjoannablackberrywontletmespaceitknowsimdrunk
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
i dont care if i had to wear a dress to fuck her, she was super hot and i stand by my decision
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
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