I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
It's a 2 hour train ride a 7 in the morning, of course we're bringing alcohol
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
Randomize
