Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
THEY HAVE VIAGRA FLAVORED GELATO
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
So our trip to Disney World ended in the three of us stripping at a gay club in orlando.
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
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