I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
i got iced as i was inside of her. i fucking hate my friends
You left your underwear on the fireplace
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
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