I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
i just saw someone i know on True Life. i need new friends.
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
She gave him HEAD floating down the river in a tube as big a a tire. I just don't know how to compete with that sort of level of slut.
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
I'd be careful with that one, she got 86'd from the family dollar while SOBER.
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
Randomize
