careful when you do the walk of shame, they are handing out bibles on campus
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
our cab driver is having phone sex.
how do you tell a roommate that having sex on your bottom bunk is not appropriate even if she has a top bunk that's hard to climb to?
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
So apparently I’m into choking now
Randomize
