he's the Salvador Dali of pubic shaving
what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
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