I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
Your sister thinks she pees out of her clit. Did you have Sex Ed or Sunday School growing up?
woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
Randomize
