I painted my nails silver
And what are the implications of that?
Is there supposed to be a msg in that? Just thought ud like to know it looks like I fingerbanged an alien
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
He just looks like he'd be good in bed. He looks like he has a lot of anger built up in him and all I'm saying is that if he took out on my vagina I'm cool with that
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